Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
