enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
