my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
