My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
