so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
