Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
