So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
