I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
