can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
