Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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