Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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