If i could tip my vagina, i would.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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