My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
