my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
