I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
