At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Randomize
