Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Randomize
