I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
