The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
