The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
