you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
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Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
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I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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