god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
