he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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