Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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