My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
