Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
