im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
