My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
