My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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