I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
