Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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