I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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