I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
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