I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
