It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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