Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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