Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
