Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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