I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
