I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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