I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
only you would photoshop your dick
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
