Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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