I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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