he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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