Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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