hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
