took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
