Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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