____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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