in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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