matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
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