the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
