how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize