Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
