I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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