If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
