how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
