I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
