He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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