This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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