it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize
